I wonder what this knife would look like in your eye

So tonight I went on a kind of date.

Let's pause for a second. Because that doesn't happen, ever.

So I just want to remind you that it's still 2010, the sky is still blue, the space-time continuum is still in effect, everything is still the same. Don't panic. IN ADDITION to all that junk, I went out on a sort of date. That can actually happen. I don't have a hunchback, just a growing impatience for all of mankind that manifests itself into a metaphoric disability.

I say "sort of" date because if I say it was a date, I'll crawl in a hole and never be motivated to ever go out on one again - thus the linguistics will stay.

I have no clue why I'm so bad at dating but everything I try to think of leads me back to this one nugget of wisdom my mom told me at the ripe age of 12:

"Kate will give me the grandkids and you'll give me the puppies!"

Apart from being incredibly scarring, I think this little gem of wisdom pretty much sums up the success of my dating life.

So tonight what started out as bad just got steadily worse. Instead of engaging in the conversation I found it more enjoyable to slowly rub my knife and figure out what it would look like dangling from his eye socket, and debating if the blood spurt would sloppily get on my sweater, or just spray onto my white shirt collar where bleaching it wouldn't be a problem.

I can't go into it because I already have a migraine but the highlights of the night included my completion of an entire carafe of wine and the discussion on his avant-garde production of Hamlet (where the part of Claudius was played not by an actor, but rather, by a multi-colored hat. I'd explain in further detail but I actually can't. I had to stop paying attention to avoid the mandatory incarceration that goes along with murder.)

The thing is. This is a pattern that repeats nonstop and I know that I'm blinded by vanity but I just refuse to believe that it's me, but rather a serious of unfortunate events that just befalls me.

Oh well. Whatever, puppies are really cute. Mom knows best.