A Pauper's Christmas

Well. It’s the holidays. My poorest Christmas yet. Gone are the days when I can justify spending $60 on a decorative coffee table book because MAX JUST LOVES VANITY FAIR. No. This is a DIY, mod podge and craft glitter kind of Christmas. My Pinterest is on overload, I’ve gone through about 14 of those useless foam paintbrushes, and I’ve become more of a regular at Michael’s Craft Store than my local Thai restaurant.

I’ve also discovered that glitter is the herpes of crafting. It’s all over me. I shower, I change my clothes…months later, I’m still finding glitter in areas only drag queens find glitter. Drag queens and girls that shop at Rainbow/Tellos/any other store that sells cartoon-emblazoned ankle socks right next to the sluttiest dress you've ever seen.

Despite my sparkly venereal disease, I have discovered that with a little resourcefulness and glass etching cream, I can make some part sweet, part haphazard Christmas cheer worthy of its own Hillary Duff movie—once she’s done randomly being an adult and blowing her man in front of a window. WE CAN SEE YOU, LIZZIE. What would Gordo say?! (probably nothing because according to reliable sources, he's a low-level caterer and isn't really in a position to be throwing shade.)

While Max is dreaming of fighting over the last amuse bouche with Beyonce, my fantasies are of the Mickey Mouse as Bob Cratchit variety. Remember when he had to cut a SINGLE BEAN into fifths for his family to eat? On Christmas Eve, no less? Christmas is on a budget and it’s a jewy, jewy budget. A-list celebs and moose are simply out of the question, unfortunately. 

And so, here is who I'll be eating Ramen Noodles and Apple Jacks with this coming holiday:

1. The Midnight Society

These mother fuckers can tell a STORY. Granted, it’s probably ill-advised to have kids hanging at a party where there will undoubtedly be liquor and barbiturates but those 90s tweens can spin a yarn and rock out in flannel. When conversation starts to wane, I’ll just ask one of the little whipper snappers to tell us the tale about the old man in the attic or the mystical box at the antique store next to the dirty clown costume that’s clearly possessed by the ghost of the little girl with the locket. They would keep the conversation at a premium and all I would have to supply them with is a sack of sand to throw into the fire.

2. Dave Thomas’s ghost

Completely unrelated to the Midnight Society, I would need Dave Thomas of the Wendy’s fame to show up at my party so we could have a talk. We have some unsettled business that I’d like to get squared away before the New Year.

I killed Dave Thomas with my mind.

It was 2002 and I had just woken up from a very strange dream where I had been forced to kill a then very much alive and kickin’ Dave Thomas. He had been chasing me like some sort of cheese-slicer-weilding maniac and I had no choice but to defend myself. I thought this was a strange dream in that I’d never felt threatened by the Wendy’s mogul before and most certainly had never harbored any thoughts, vicious or otherwise towards the old coot. I later discovered Dave Thomas had died in his sleep that night.

So either I killed Dave Thomas with my mind or we have some sort of psychic connection…and if I’m capable of such a thing, I’d really like to see if I could speak to Selena or Aaliyah as well.

3. Flo:

So I can tell her to get the FUCK out. 

4. Lady Gaga's nude charcoal etching drawn by Mr. Tony Bennett

This will be the focal point of the entire dinner and will be placed at the head of the table. Jack and Rose can eat their hearts out, Lady Gaga posed nude for Tony Bennett and he turned that shit out. I don't even know how any of this came about but everyone should have a copy. 

5. The guy that showed up when I google image searched "angry Asian lady" for something totally unrelated:

I'm glad he showed up because this effeminate young fella is absolutely welcome at my shabby-chic shindig. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Channukkah/Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Hannukkah