Seeing as listing personal adolescent disappointments might hurt the feelings of former friends, heavily- closeted flames and acquaintances who just might read this blog, I've decided pop culture let downs, and the insecurities left in their wake would be a good way to close out the year. And so, without further ado, the five biggest (that I can think of right now) public let downs of my 27 years...
1. Katie Holmes singing "On my Own" on Dawsons Creek:
What kind of DRUNK, nasal, half-assed karaoke is this?! This was a highly anticipated episode for me. Joey was finally going to reveal her feelings for Dawson (this was before it dawned on me that, duh, PACEY) and sing a song about it. As a honorary Capeside resident, I knew that Katie Holmes had been cast as Lola in her High School's production of Damn Yankees when she landed the role as beloved tomboy, Josephine Potter so I was expecting some stage presence that resembled something other than a heavily-rouged broomstick with a sinus infection.
Yes, Joey Potter, I understand that you're somewhat irreverent and shy and awkward but I would expect that any 15 year old girl who's comfortable slinging beers at the Ice House could turn it out at a Capeside beauty pageant. And what's that throwaway note at the end? What the fuck was that?
I think what also upset me about this event was my lack of patience for untalented people and their admirers. I'm no Bette Midler but hearing untalented people get complimented makes my blood boil because if you're going to send a compliment to someone who is routinely flat or off-pitch, you need to make it clear who they are being compared to. Like "oh, ____, you did so great on a scale of 1 to Jessica Simpson."
After this musical rape occurred, Joey was inundated with congratulations and remarks about how great she did and although Dawson's Creek was wrought with above-average vocabulary and American Eagle wardrobes, this charade was just too much for me to handle.
2. Kid Cuisine:
Like the good 90s child I was, I was into anything advertised between and Salute your Shorts and Roundhouse. If Stick Stickley endorsed it, I wanted it. In what would eventually lead to a crippling need for acceptance and belonging, I desperately wanted to like Kids Cuisine because it was the coolest dinner around. Ever the discerning palate, however, I couldn't stomach the plasticized mac and cheese or ground up chicken nuggets. I tried many times to love the kids' version of the crap adults eat when BMI is no longer a concern but to no avail. I'm sure my current waif-ish status thanks me.
3. Pogs
Yet another attempt at belonging, this craze was lost on me entirely. I collected them, I had the phallic-tubed Pog holders, the hologram "slammers" and yet my interest drastically waned until my tousle-haired third grade crush asked me if I wanted to trade his peace sign for my yin-yang. This same tousle-haired boy would also promise to sit with me on the bus if I let him copy my homework and thus, my dysfunctional symbiotic relationship with men from third grade-freshman year of college began.
4. Donna Martin getting play:
We'll go ahead and ignore the fact that Donna looks like a buggier-eyed Shelly Duvall with strange cleavage and focus on her one defining characteristic. Donna was a virgin. Like, a big ass virgin. For a long time. Had she not gotten drunk off a glass of champagne at prom she may have gone ahead and banged David in the hotel suite but she ended up getting found by Miss Teasley, suspended and then became the reluctant hero of the epic "Donna Martin Graduates" episode:
Having missed out on sloppy prom sex, Donna became more determined to "save herself for marriage", yet the producers couldn't have her leading the normal dating-life of a whiney, flat-faced virgin...And so, in the biggest stretch of television imagination, Donna Martin dated guys. Hot guys. Long term. And they were cool with staying on first base. Even as a concave-chested show choir member, I knew that was total bullshit and if you ever wanted any chance at being cool, you had to do it like Valerie Malone did aaaaaaaaall over the 90210.
5. Fun Dip (let it be noted that this is an on-going disappointment)
Three dips, two sticks. Who let that one slip by?!
Of course, not everything was a let down...there was one saving grace of childhood...
!!!!
BEST: The episodes of Full House where they used BOTH Michelles in one shot:
This was typically utilized for story lines involving an evil twin, an angel/devil on the shoulder or that EPIC episode where Michelle fell off her horse and forgot her WHOLE FAMILY. In the case up above, this is when the girls play long lost cousins, one from Greece and the other from San Francisco. They are shocked at how much they look alike and lets just say some pretty kooky shenanigans ensued...
Even though everyone knew they were twins due to child labor laws, seeing both twins in the shot made you feel like you were in the know...like the producers were sending a sneaky wink your way saying, "no special effects required here."
And now as we bid adieu to 2011, let us clutch our creepily animatronic Teddy Ruxpin and pedophiliac My Buddy and ring in 2012 like the strange 90s children we are.
