Less Than Gyllenhaal: My Fantasy Holiday Dinner

It’s that special time of the year again; the time for celebration, family, and good spirits. Christians are decorating their Christmas trees. Jews are polishing their menorahs. Black people are also decorating their Christmas trees (who celebrates Kwanzaa? Who? I want all that time spent learning about it in elementary school back.) Anyway, the holiday season is upon us and that means one thing: big holiday dinners. Accordingly, I've taken the time to create my ultimate fantasy dinner guest list and it goes a little something like this:

#1 James the Just

So apparently Jesus had siblings and the baddest mofo of the crew, James, is totally invited to dinner. Typically, he goes by James the Just but certain history books have the audacity to call him James the Less. James the Less?! Thanks guys, point taken! You try living up to your full potential when your brother is JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. How dare?! My point is, he’s totally invited to dinner because what better time is there for some New Testament dish than during his big bro’s birthday bash? It’s kind of like inviting Donnie Wahlberg or Stephen Baldwin over during awards season, but way way bigger.

#2 Beyonce

Beyonce has stated in multiple interviews that she’s trying to “eat right” to avoid gaining baby weight. This is a woman after my own heart. Look, I know that some people might sacrifice a flawless figure to create new life, but this Queen is refusing her baby nutrients so she can still cut a striking silhouette. Bless her soul. Any women willing to put her baby's life at risk for vanity gets to eat my kugel.

#3 Sasha Fierce

Don't ruin this for me, ok?

#4 A moose

They’re majestic, they’re endangered, and they seem like a lot of fun! I’ve always liked moose, mainly because I like things that don’t change when pluralized. Also, I bet their meat is delicious

#5 and #6 Sasha and Malia Obama

These girls and I would totally have a great time! First, to prove to them that I was totally hip and current, we’d start off by making a round of calls on my DreamPhone and then we could prank page all the cute boys in our class. Oh my god we’re having so much fun already! We’d braid each other’s hair, and then if Sasha got tired and went to bed early (because she’s totally lame and always does that!) Malia and I could just, like, stay up all night and tell each other ghost stories and talk about the weird stuff happening with our bodies and practice making out with each other (but just in a comparing kinda way, you know?) Whatever we’re going to have a GREAT time. No boys allowed!