“Hey guys, it’s so great to meet you all! I just wanted to
express, first and foremost, how stoked I am to be a member of this team! So
excited! Woo! Now, I know I’m new here, but I really wanted to take this time
with the whole staff present to introduce myself as the homosexual one. Does everybody know what that means? Homosexual?
Ok, I see some confused faces in the back so allow me to explain:
It means I have sex with men. Exclusively. More importantly,
it means that I identify as a homosexual
man. I consider myself a gay male
who does gay things and lives my
life rather gaily. If you’re ever
in a bind and find that you’ve forgotten, just remember to think of something
straight, and then think of its exact opposite. Gay! That’s me! Your new big
gay coworker!
Also, my name is Max.”
And this is where I talk about how obnoxious it is to be a
minority in the workplace.
Before we start, I want to be clear. I’m fully aware that I
am a light haired, light skinned, white white white boy; what Sherwin Williams might describe as "blanched cotton." In fact, in the winter months I’ve been known
to turn transparent; my organs illuminating through my trunk like a
deep-sea anglerfish.
So no, I'm not planning to talk about any one minority having it easier or
harder than another. Because I'd lose. I’m just saying that if you're a token fill-in-the-blank in any professional setting, here's some of the bullshit you've probably had to go through.
...
Orientation.
By far, the funniest part about being a minority in the
workplace happens during the first week. It's absolutely staggering how many people will drop by your desk to let you know just how "cool" they are with your minority status. Whew! What a relief! Because I'm always worried, in 21st-century America, that my coworkers will rebel, forcing me to
flee to a monastery where I’d spend my days operating the bell tower to protect
my family’s honor and modest acreage of land.
What the fuck? You’re “cool” with it? Yea you’re cool
with it, motherfucker- that shit’s the law. It ain't "cool." It don’t make you "hip."
It makes you a law-abiding citizen, bitch, are we clear?
Great. Thanks for stopping by my desk. Take a mint.
...
Once you've finished with the introductory week, you'll find that things will have eased off a little. But this is just a fake out. Instead, your aggressively kind coworkers will have covertly settled into one of the following prototypes, forcing you to work the rest of your days with these dumb ass types of people:
The Best Friend
This is the person who loves reminding you just how many minority friends he or she has back home. They often
invite you to cultural events exclusively having to do with your minority or
bring up recent movies they’ve watched that depict your minority’s struggles
and triumphs. Above all, this person really wants to be friends with you, a minority person, and be your date to all the drag shows/poetry slams/bachata competitions you attend! Because, minorities never, ever do mundane things, like sudoku or grocery shopping. That sort of shit's for normal people, understand?
The Best Friend is
really someone you should consider hanging out with. I personally can’t think
of a time I’ve hung out with my friends and not wanted to talk about being gay. In fact, I can’t
think of a time I’ve ever done, eaten, watched, read, listened to, saw, cried
at, or loved anything that wasn’t gay! So bite the bullet and go to that
cultural event with The Best Friend! Because you totally wouldn’t
feel like a trained circus bear or anything.
...
The “Non-Offensive” Liberal
This is the type of person that makes tons and tons of offensive, demeaning jokes about your minority
because they obviously don’t mean
it. How could they? They’re clearly liberal and educated at a Northern
university. Bigotry and ignorance don’t exist in those parts! This type of
person is totally allowed to say and do whatever he or she does because they’re
being ironic about it, you know, in
an “imagine if I was this
bigoted” sort of way. The funniest part about The “Non-Offensive” Liberal is
that they’re actually always that
bigoted. Always. Ironic, no?
...
The Seeker of Truth and Knowledge
This is usually a boss figure or some type of superior who
relates everything having to do with your minority directly to you. This
is great, because no one else besides a bona-fide homosexual is capable of
calling up GLAAD and asking for their press contact. The Seeker of Truth and
Knowledge always has a question to ask
you, usually related to something they heard on Dateline or 20/20
about your minority’s statistics. You are
required to know the answer. If you don’t though, try not to worry -
they’ll usually just make a clever joke about how they’re way more of a fill-in-the-blank than you are! How funny!
...
The One Who Can’t Stop
Talking About It
This is the type of person who
always manages to bring up the fact that you’re a minority at weird times. Their comments are
neither rude nor offensive, but truly random; it's something that's clearly on their mind most of the time.
The One Who Can’t Stop
Talking About It has baggage. Dangerous baggage. They're either quietly bigoted, aggressively closeted, or planning to kill you when you walk to your car. This is also the type of person you always read about in the papers ten years down the road, arrested in a bunker with a collection of women's vulvas. Black women's vulvas.
...
The Person Who Has Never Met One Of
You Before
This person is an idiot. They usually find their ignorance endearing, wielding it like some sort of charming relic from a vintage Grover's Corners. This is never true. Typically, The Person Who Has Never Met One Of You Before is really eager to meet you, often taking the time to ask whether or not various stereotypes are true. Always say yes. It's these people's hidden agendas to include you in their secret Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, and it's always your job to deny them of this. Deny them aggressively.
...
The One Person Who Is Totally Normal
About It
Otherwise known as: The Other
Minority Person In The Office:
