But I’ve come to realize that maybe we’ve been forgetting too much as a society in general. There are certain events we all remember- Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust – but what about the important stuff? Are we as a culture going to allow ourselves to forget that Jennifer Love Hewitt attempted a singing career? Are we pretending that the Osbourne Variety Show never happened? People, do you understand the dangers of forgetting? We can not let history repeat itself!
So, once again, I’ve done the grunt work for you and put together a list of all the shit we seem to have forgotten. So take our your notepads and educate yourselves, because I’m only gonna say this once:
Brandy killed some lady.
That’s right. On December
30th 2006, Moesha herself
mowed some biddy down on the 405. And she died. As in dead. Literally not living. Brandy killed
someone, y'all- how have we forgotten this? First off, it’s offensive to poor Ms.
Aboudihaj, who lost her life that day, and second, it totally bums me out when
I drop this into conversations and no one knows what I’m talking
about. I say awesome things all the time, like “Girl, you actin’ crazier than
when Brandy killed that lady” or “I was more surprised than that chick right
before Brandy hit her” and no one gets the reference. It’s a shame. It’s a
waste. And it ends now.
Also, where the hell was
Cinderella’s fairy godmother when all of this was going down? Oh wait. I
remember. RIP Whitney, baby.
...
Brian Dunkleman existed
Yup, otherwise known as “that
guy who made the worst career decision of all time by leaving American Idol.”
Say what you want about Ryan Seacrest, but that heavily-gelled leprechaun has a
star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What does Dunkleman have? I dunno, maybe a
Ford Taurus? Maybe he has a two bedroom apartment in Silver Lake, maybe a home office? Being
Brian Dunkleman sucks and that’s what you get for leaving a multi-million
dollar television show for “moral reasons.” I tried doing research and figuring
out what the Dunk was up to nowadays, but I literally became uninterested
before I hit “search.”
...
Farrah Franklin
You know, the chick who was in Destiny's Child for about two seconds? I have nothing to say about Ms. Franklin, except she'd be an excellent crossword puzzle clue if Will Shortz was an asshole and a homosexual.
...
Joey Fatone starred in a
live-action musical version of Little Red Riding Hood
Ok to be fair, not many
people ever knew about this to begin with. Not me, though. I had my finger of
the pulse of this atrocity since it was announced. Apparently in 2007 (too
recent - inexcusable) Joey Fatone decided his career could be saved by dressing
up as a wolf in a made-for-TV movie musical. I’d say it worked, wouldn’t you?
...
THESE PENCILS
WHY?! WHY?!! Why did these godforsaken pencils exist? Who made them, who sold them, and who bought them? Oh right, I remember who bought them: EVERY KID WHOSE PENCIL
YOU BORROWED IN THE SIXTH GRADE. UGH! These pencils were the absolute worst and forgetting how horrible they were risks staging a possible comeback, and we can't allow that to happen:
"They've forgotten about the pencils, Severin!" I can hear its elfin makers cackling with glee, "They'll never expect a major comeback. Never! Never!"
Nope, not letting that shit happen. These pencils were terrible and they must be eradicated. Remember when you'd try to press hard with this shitty thing and a tiny piece would shoot out the backside like a renegade colonic polyp? Absolutely terrible. Also, lets just give tons of small, impractically sharp objects to elementary school children and hope for the best. Great idea guys. Jesus, it's amazing we all made it to puberty.
...
Samantha Mumba
This is another one of those
“this person existed” deals, except in this case the person rocks and we owe it to ourselves to remember her. It's a quality of life thing, really - mine was certainly lower when I forgot about the Mumbs. Also, can we please bring back short sleeved mock
turtleneck tees? You think I’m lying, but there’s something I find really
aesthetically pleasing about it. (Check it out for yourself: Official Music Video - Gotta Tell You. That's right, this jam isn't even on YouTube.)
...
and finally:
This shit happened.
Yes, it was called The Chamber, and yes, I watched all 6
episodes. You remember- it was that show on Fox where contestants had
to answer questions while strapped into a torture chamber. Yep. This shit happen. In America. In the last decade. I just heard the sound of your head exploding and I liked it.
If you remember as well as I do, contestants had a choice of suffering either extreme heat or extreme cold. I'd say more, but I’ll let the Wikipedia fact pages do the talking for me:
"Hot Chamber:
-The inside temperature would begin at 100ºF (43ºC) and increase to 170ºF (66ºC) by the end of the round.
-Muscle contractors would work at progressively greater intervals as the contest proceeded.
-A simulated earthquake would shake the player (Richter scale 5.0 to begin, going all the way up to 9.0)
-The chair would begin to rotate back and forth (level two), then up and down, through 270 degrees, and finally it would spin in complete circles.
-On the last show, foul odors would be piped in after the fourth round.
-Wind gusts of 55 mph (88.5 k/h) joined in at level four."
Yup. And that's just the hot chamber. I'd get into the specifics of the cold chamber, but I believe it's the equivalent to getting naked in the Arctic and having an Inuit chick turn your testicles into popsicles. Anyway, the show was cancelled after one of the contestants had to use his game winnings to pay for his medical bills. Well, duh! Who are these contestants? I want to meet them, mostly to see if they're still alive or if their stupidity has eradicated them from the gene pool yet.
Regardless, I loved this show, and I want to start a DVD-box set petition since all I'm left with are grainy ass videos that some autistic kid uploaded (not meant to be derogatory, this kid is the bomb dot com.) Anyone else with me?
...
So that's it y'all, all the stuff you need to remember for the upcoming pop culture test (time and location TBA). But most of all, don't forget our little blog - or else I'll give you something to remember.
-The inside temperature would begin at 100ºF (43ºC) and increase to 170ºF (66ºC) by the end of the round.
-Muscle contractors would work at progressively greater intervals as the contest proceeded.
-A simulated earthquake would shake the player (Richter scale 5.0 to begin, going all the way up to 9.0)
-The chair would begin to rotate back and forth (level two), then up and down, through 270 degrees, and finally it would spin in complete circles.
-On the last show, foul odors would be piped in after the fourth round.
-Wind gusts of 55 mph (88.5 k/h) joined in at level four."
Yup. And that's just the hot chamber. I'd get into the specifics of the cold chamber, but I believe it's the equivalent to getting naked in the Arctic and having an Inuit chick turn your testicles into popsicles. Anyway, the show was cancelled after one of the contestants had to use his game winnings to pay for his medical bills. Well, duh! Who are these contestants? I want to meet them, mostly to see if they're still alive or if their stupidity has eradicated them from the gene pool yet.
Regardless, I loved this show, and I want to start a DVD-box set petition since all I'm left with are grainy ass videos that some autistic kid uploaded (not meant to be derogatory, this kid is the bomb dot com.) Anyone else with me?
...
So that's it y'all, all the stuff you need to remember for the upcoming pop culture test (time and location TBA). But most of all, don't forget our little blog - or else I'll give you something to remember.
-T
