Or
That Top Really DOES Make You Look Fat
As a gay man, I have a lot of straight girl friends. And
while society nowadays makes that seem completely natural, it’s sort of like
when the turtle and the hippo become friends at your local zoo. Sure, there’s
a lot of it on YouTube, but it’s still a weird pairing when you actually think
about it. Gay men are pretty much the farthest removed from straight chicks
considering we have absolutely no relationship with the female psyche, and
straight chicks definitely don’t know what it’s like to be a man - if they did,
women of the world would have staged a jealous riot decades ago (hint: it’s
awesome.) And, sure, I guess we both share a common interest in men, but that’s
sort of like when your mother used to set you up on play dates with the neighbor’s son
because he was also developmentally delayed. A common bond, yes, but how far
can that really stretch?
Despite this, the straight chick/gay guy relationship is a
pretty standard fixture in modern times. And while I don’t see it as a novelty anymore, it blows my mind that straight chicks still regard
their gay best friends in a manner similar to how Roman citizens must have
regarded the oracles. No matter how little or how well I know a straight chick,
at some point in our relationship she’s going to ask me a question that is way,
way beyond me and assume that I have the answers. And not because I’m smart, but
because I’m her gay best friend.
I can’t pretend like I don’t know where this comes from. Our
culture is saturated with the idea of the “omniscient gay best friend,” fueled
by the fact that smarmy gay men have been lying to straight chicks for centuries-
pretending like we know the answers to their problems, pretending we know
how to help them. Even today, people like Nate Berkus and Clinton Kelly make
their fortunes off of force-feeding women the Kool-Aid. But the discerning eye
can easily tell you that this is a load of bull. We’re supposed to believe that
gay men know how to help women?! Please, how could we do that? We don’t know
the first thing about you! At least straight dudes are trying to figure you out
to get you into bed with them, ask them for advice!
So I've decided, here and now, that I'm not going to sell this snake oil anymore to all you ladies. And maybe I'll spoil it for the rest of the money grubbing liars out there, but I think it's time for the truth. Homosexuals
of the world, the jig is up. I give you:
Things that gays cannot help you with:
The goal weight of any homosexual is roughly the same as a
twelve-year-old girl’s. It includes forced hydration, a
hospital-mandated psychologist, and if you can’t lift the weight
of your own head, bonus points are given. Considering the fact that gays
are also the most blunt people on Earth, it blows my mind that straight chicks look to us to help them feel
better about their weight. Sure, we can cry together in the fitting room of a
Dress Barn and I can tell you lots of things about how beauty comes in all
shapes and sizes, but I’m not gonna really mean it. None of us will. If you’re
a fat chick, you’re still gonna look fat with an Empire waist and a cardigan.
We don’t have the magical ability to create a “new you,” all we can do is
reupholster what you got with a lot of fabric and hope for the best. Sort of
like when John Merrick used to wear burlap over his face.
But Max, you’re
probably thinking, Countless gay celebrity stylists have told me that
I can look good and feel good at any weight!
And sure, that’s probably true, but they don’t think it is. These men are lying to you, can’t you
see? We gays run to the mirror after we eat
a cracker to see if it changed our silhouttes, we don’t really mean it when we
compliment you buxom ladies. Yes, we can throw around sassy catch phrases like
“Fierce” and “You go girl!” but these are just half-truths. What we really mean
to say is “Fierce (when that outfit is worn by a skinny girl)” and “You go girl
(and get on a treadmill quickly before your waistline engulfs the elastic on
that skirt.)” I’m not saying you’re fat, I’m just saying we probably think you
are because we’re plighted by low self esteem and the search for perfection due
to all those years of grade school bullying- it’s just a thing. Look, I’m not doing this to be harsh… I’m doing this because
I care.
2) Your relationships.
I lied. When it comes to relationships, most of the time
we’re not really gonna care. Ever. Unless it involves a baby goat, voluntary
manslaughter, or 2 out of 3 members of Hanson, I can assure you that most homos
will not be interested in your love affairs. Have you ever heard a gay dude
describe his relationship? It’s like watching him recite the SparkNotes version
of a Days of Our Lives season. I didn’t
know such things as polyamory, multi-partner swapping, and open-relationship
polyfidelity existed until I listened to a friend of mine trying to explain his
“relationship contract.” Have you heard of these things? They make the Magna
Carta look like my 4th grade Hallway Agreement. Super Bowl-winning
plays have had less swapping and bum rushing. So when we give you relationship
advice, we’re lying through our teeth. We don’t know what the fuck we’re
talking about, so you might as well stop listening to us. Here’s a quick trick:
ask your friend if he’s ever attended something like Topless Tuesdays or
Watersports Wednesdays or whatever punny event your local gay bar offers. If he
says yes, don’t ask him for relationship advice. Because even if you listen to just half of what he says, make the wrong move and BAM!- face
full of urine. Don’t let that be you.
3) Your outfits.
But I thought gays read up on fashion? you’re probably thinking. It’s true, we do. Men’s
fashion. Because that’s what we wear. Funny how that works. Sure, you might see
us lounging around the pool flipping through glitzy fashion magazines, but
that’s not for you. We’re not looking at practical women’s
periodicals like Elle or Allure to figure out which type of dress best suits a
pear-shaped body, we’re looking at Vogue Hommes International and fueling our
hatred towards models. “If I just had
a 25-inch waist I, too, would look incredible in that Derek Lam jumpsuit,” is
what we’re probably thinking, not “That sweater would look figure flattering on
Margaret.” So there’s the truth in that situation.
So when you ask us to take you shopping, it’s probably the
most dangerous and foolish thing you could do. We don’t really care
about the end result (i.e. what you’ll actually look like) we’re just excited
that we get to shop in sections of the store that are typically off limits. And
while playing dress up may sound like fun, the next thing you know you’re
sashaying out of the department store looking like Lady Gaga on a bender and
we’re already walking 5 steps ahead of you in the parking lot.
Or, to put it plainly: We don’t care what you look like.
Ever. We can’t help, and we’re going to look better than you anyway. So
pick a stupid outfit, let’s just get to the fucking bar already.
4) Your self esteem.
This goes back to the Nate Berkus, Clinton Kelly, “self-love, guru type” gays. Look ladies, a lot of gay guys are going to charm you and say
a lot of things to make you feel better about yourself, but like I’ve said
before – they’re probably lying. I’m not saying you aren’t “fabulous,” I’m just
saying that unless you’re a Ford Model it’s probably being said with the same
type of “sincere encouragement” a parent gives his cub scout’s Pinewood Derby
car.
But if you are the type of gal that gets swept up in all the
bullshit positive reinforcement, I ask you to look at the situation from
another angle. Gay dudes, as a rule, will always be more manicured and put together than you. Our eyebrows will be less bushy, our
clothes will be more form fitting, and as I mentioned before, we’ll probably
weigh less. So why do you surround yourself with gays to try and
feel better about yourself?! Tune down
those ears and look with your eyes, lady! Didn’t your mother teach you to have uglier bridesmaids?! What’s wrong with you! Listen to your mama,
that’s who’s advice you should be following, not ours. You want self esteem?
Get in tight with a pack of lepers or volunteer at your local meth clinic,
then you’ll feel like the belle of the ball!
...
...
So that’s it. We gays can’t help you with any of those things, so don’t believe the lies. But
don’t get discouraged, ladies! You have tons of other people to turn to for
advice: your sisters, your mothers, Beyonce, Michelle Obama, Supreme Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and countless more.
And don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the end of our
relationship. I still want to be friends. Because gay dudes are so annoying.
