Being an actor is hard. Not only do we have to tap into the
human psyche, we also have to decide whether showing our junk in a student film
is worth the beer money. But despite all the challenges an actor may face in
his or her career, one of the hardest is picking a headshot. It’s your main
graphic, your logo, your calling card that screams “I swear I looked like this
one time in recent history.” You know, recent history where everyone looked at
the world through beer goggles with Photoshop lenses.
But rest assured actor friends. It just so happens that I
found a hidden folder in my computer of old headshot proofs that have never
seen the light of day - not because I look so awful (what are you insinuating?)
but because they are TOO GOOD. And right now, for the first time ever, I’m going
to use them as a teaching tool so that you, too, can snap that winning shot.
So here you have it. Max Bisantz’s guide to taking a
great headshot:
Rule #1. Find your perfect angle.
You know, the one that makes your parents regret
procreating. This angle should show off every possible flaw, because what are
we as artists if not champions for the disenfranchised? Caveman brow? Flaunt
it. Underbite? Show off your lower teeth. It’s what makes you you, and I guarentee it’ll get you cast. You don’t know
how many times casting directors cast exclusively based on phrenology.
Phrenology is the study and measurement of the human skull. I’m really fucking
smart.
...
Rule #2. Bulk up.
It’s always best to appear fatter than you are in your
headshots. That way when you walk through the door, everyone will be really
happy for your weight loss! And I’m not talking a few pounds, I mean… do your
work. As you can see in this picture, I’ve perfected the art of the fat guy
slouch, complete with puckered man boob. It’s what all the really successful actors
do for their photoshoots - just open any magazine under a convex lens.
...
Rule #3. Look like a dinosaur.
This helps if you actually look like a dinosaur, but even if
you don’t there are subtle ways you can pose like one.
Step 1. Find a picture of a dinosaur. Study his body
language.
Step 2. Practice in a mirror posing like said dinosaur.
Step 3. Pose like a dinosaur.
This works with all types of dinosaur. I not only managed to
tackle velociraptor, but also the elusive brontosaurus:
Why look like a dinosaur, you ask? Don't question me, I say.
...
Rule #4. Don’t wear
your glasses. Pose with blood.
...
Rule #5. Dress up
like a Gryffindor.
It’s always a good idea to dress up for the role you’re auditioning
for. And if you’re like me, you'll want to be considered exclusively for Harry
Potter-related work. If this rings true for you, make sure to dress up like
you’re in the film.
Not on Godric’s team? No problem. You can choose from
Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff (if you’re fat), or Slytherin. And remember: Don’t let
any sorting hat type cast you – be your own witch or wizard.
...
So there you have it! My very own guide to shooting a
perfect headshot! And if you’re curious as to which one I chose for myself,
here it is:
