18 January 2012

On a scale from 1 to Blue Ivy Carter...

While cruise ships tipped and Republicans battled, so far the biggest news story in 2012 happened in Beyonce’s uterus. On January 7, a day that shall live in infamy, Blue Ivy Carter was delivered into this world; bringing with her the hope for a new order and an onslaught of copycat attempts (see: Woman Gives Birth on January 8th.)

However, the biggest shock came when I found the staggering truth behind the buzz. Now this may come as a surprise to most of you, but it seems that Beyonce isn’t the only woman to have “given birth.” It’s true. In fact, I did quite a bit of research on this topic and it turns out that women appear to have babies every day. Like all the time. All around the world. Like even right now, babies are being born! Can you believe that?!

I did some more investigating (i.e. dicked around on Facebook) and I’ve come to realize that an uncomfortable amount of people I know are also having babies. I know this shouldn’t shock me – I went to an urban high school where you could, for elective credit, rock crack babies to sleep – but it still does. There’s something about realizing your friends are becoming parents that’s all the more poignant when you’re eating cereal out of a re-used Thai takeout container.

This got me to thinking about my future and the idea of myself becoming a father; a spooky thought. The one thing I know for sure is that I am totally fine not having a biological child. My genes aren’t terrible, but what if I had a son or daughter who didn’t care enough to use anti-frizzing serum? To go to the gym on a regular basis? To remove upper arm hair (goddamn it- how is this not important to more people?!)

The thought sends shivers down my spine. I couldn’t pass those problems along to my children with good conscience; not to mention their inheritance of my genes would be biological proof of my hidden imperfections. Yikes!

Which is why I’m going to adopt! Let’s be for real: adopting seems like fun, and from what I’ve heard, completely stress free! The most fun part about adopting is getting to pick what type of child you want. The problem here is that you have to be careful. You don’t want to make any novice missteps. It’s a tricky business: Adopt a Chinese baby and all of a sudden you’re “those gay dads.” Adopt a white one and you’re “those racist gay dads that didn’t want to adopt a Chinese baby.”

In order to help myself out, I’ve narrowed my list to the few types of babies I would want, and have taken the time to rate them all. Get ready to be radically offended:

1. The “Over It” White Baby:

First off, I want to take this time to really stand up and champion The White Baby. Yes, I know they’re the least cute of all babies, but we can’t diminish how hilarious they look when you dress them like shriveled old women:

While Chic Asian Babies could pull off this look without a hitch, there’s something that just screams “bad parenting” about this get-up on a white baby. I don’t know what it is, but I think the uneven blotchy skin tone on white babies really lends itself to the empysema-chic look I’m going for.

Just look at this kid. She’s way beyond her time. She’s got a little bit of snark, a little bit of jadedness, and the devilish glint of “I’m-living-off-my-alimony-checks” behind her deadened eyes. I like it. And so will the Child Protective Services.


2. Fashion Icon Asian Baby

Similar in fabulousness to the “Over It” White Baby, this baby gets extra points because, duh, she’s Asian. Because if I’ve learned anything from drunk, single, white chicks on the L train, it’s that cute Asian girls can pull off any outfit.  What fun! This means you can dress up this type of baby in anything and she’ll be chic as all hell.

Let’s take a minute to evaluate this girl, shall we? She’s hitting all her marks. Avant-garde up-do? Check. Ankle boots? Check. And while that oversized fur jacket could have made her look chunky, this little star added an Alexander Wang purse to create a figure flattering diagonal across her torso. Points to mom and dad!


3. Culturally Accurate Asian Baby

This baby is great, because you immediately get sympathy points from stupid people. People will assume you’re the next Angelina Jolie for adopting a baby from some godforsaken place in North Korea, when really they’re just racist and she's from Michigan. Or her rich mother in Thailand passed away or something. But whatever, with this baby you can dress her up like an “It’s A Small World” robot and – VOILA – you have an immediate trump card. Late seating on your dinner reservation? Simply point out to the hostess that you did not “bring your baby all the way from a rice paddy in Phdunglak so she can starve in the foyer of an Applebee’s.” I guarantee you’ll be seated a whole lot quicker. The trump card is good all through her childhood years until she goes off to college and learns enough good sense to hate your racist ass. 


4. Cool Hip Black Baby

First off, I can’t even say anything until we all take a look at this little Janelle Monae baby. That baby is living and giving right there, I’m talking full-out, no marking.

There’s no denying that black babies have style and personality that others do not. And if I learned anything from the Cosby Show, it’s that obstetricians make a whole lot of money. And if I learned anything else from the Cosby Show it’s that black babies can get away with murder because of how cute they are. Which is exactly what I would train this baby to do. Murder. No I’m kidding. Maybe.

Honestly I don’t have a whole bunch to say about adopting a black child, I just really wanted to show you that picture. Or this one:

Though I will say that Blue Ivy Carter is in this group so it really brings it to another level.


5. Mr. Mixed Race Continental

This baby is great if your husband is of another race because you can pretend that he’s your biological child and confuse a bunch of people. Claim your baby is a new prototype gays are toying with for global domination. That could be a fun joke.

But really what makes this baby awesome is that the term “ethnically ambiguous” is pretty much on every casting breakdown nowadays. Which means this baby will easily become a movie star! So if you want to sponge off of your baby’s Gerber commercial earnings (which I do!) then this is probably your best bet for doing that.

Downside: your child getting way more commercial work than you ever will.


And finally, the last type of baby that I would consider adopting:

6. A Bassett Hound

The clear winner.


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