Auditions are dumb.

Yesterday I walked into a room with a bunch of strangers and found myself being dry humped, strangled, had a chair thrown at, and was then returned to the world as if nothing had happened. And no, this was not an orgy or a group assembled from a sketchy craigslist ad. This was an audition. This was an audition for a highly lauded theater company. This was an audition for a stable paying theater job in New York City.

And this is where I talk about how auditions are fucking dumb.

I’m quite sure a couple of months ago I sent out a memo to the entire tri state area dictating how fucking talented I am. Unfortunately it must have gotten lost in the mail or something because time and time again I show up to these things and no one seems to know who I am, or if they do they deny it and then I become the crazy ex all of a sudden. Just last week I had this conversation:

Him: Have I worked with you before?

Me: Oh yea, on that reading a couple months ago. How have you been?

Him: …No I didn’t.

Me: Yes you did, with Margo. Your name is Thomas. You live in Bushwick. I’ve been to your house. Your dog’s name is Cedric.

Him: <starts looking over my resume>

Me: It was at that place.

Him: <still looking>

Me: And you played at my last audition.

Him: <still looking>

Me: We used to sleep together.

Him: <starts filing nails>

Me: I paid your money through med school

Him: <yawns>

Me: I fathered your children. I gave you the best five years of my life, Thomas, I love you goddamn it I love you!

Him: Will you be singing anytime soon or should I just go ahead and stab myself in the neck with the pencil?

Sigh. So, like the other drones, I keep plugging away.

Now I know what you’re thinking, isn’t auditioning the same as interviewing for a job? Yes and no. I’ve done both, and while they are similar at times, I’m pretty sure no job I’ve ever interviewed for asked me if I was comfortable with full frontal nudity (the answer I always write being “YOU won’t be comfortable with my full frontal nudity.” And then I never get cast.)

Below I’ve compiled a short list of do’s and don’ts that I’ve encountered during my too many fruitless years of auditioning:

DON’T ask if they run a Cori Check or contact the Sex Offenders Registry when auditioning for children’s theater. (Because the artistic director of the ASC will NOT think it’s funny.)

DO bring a puppy for the holding room. This has never happened. But what a great idea!

DON’T ask me to bring in a favorite item, dream, poem, or fear– because my fear is most often that you don’t know what you’re doing and it will probably just be consummated.

DO ask me about my weird skills because it usually gives me the chance to tap dance or speak to you in rudimentary, broken Khmer (which is always an offensive winner.)

DON’T ask me to dress comfortably. For some reason putting on a pair of basketball shorts becomes an open invitation to have me to roll on the floor and explore the space with my pelvic chamber. No means no, not maybe.

To be continued until I finally get into Phantom or Lion King and won’t ever have to audition for anything AGAIN.