This is How Hireable I Am

My name is Kate and I am one of the unemployed masses you hear about on TV.  Whenever they talk about unemployment on the news they always cut to some harried woman with poorly fitted clothes and blotchy skin.  She’s tense, she talks about bills, the world looks pretty bleak.  I refuse to become this person because being mildly attractive is all I have going for me right now.  And by mildly, I mean extremely.

As an unemployed person, I have to write a lot of cover letters.  I laud my achievements in multitasking, prioritizing and [fill in the stock quality employers like].  However, as my job search drags on, I’m finding it harder and harder to play it cool.  Closing with “thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon” feels a little hard to get considering my situation. And so, for your enjoyment and my catharsis, I’m going to write the cover letter my hopeless job search has spawned.  We begin:

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Kate and I’m writing to apply for the [insert job that I'm totally qualified for...me and 100 other people that have submitted resumes through some vast online portal where they'll either get lost or forgotten].  I’m a graduate from Emerson College with a degree in Writing, Literature and Publishing.  I know that this is essentially a hobby and I’m totally with you.  You see, I’m one of those middle class white girls whose parents encouraged careers in the arts because their parents stifled their creativity.  I did the struggling artist thing throughout college, bartended and wrote stand-up comedy.  I’d seen RENT, I knew the drill.  I now understand that my writing talents would have proven more lucrative in the marketing field or PR but no one explained this to me because I went to a large, inner city high school where simply not being pregnant earned you a spot on the honor roll. 

Since graduating, I’ve been teaching drama and working as a teacher’s aide in Belmont, MA.  This was all working fine until budgets got cut and I met one-too-many 30-somethings with Masters degrees working in the same $16/hr position that I was.  Things seemed hopeless, I decided to transition careers and move into an office environment.  As a young, educated 20-something who is not an idiot, I thought this would be a clean shift.   

While my resume might contain lots of teaching experience, I possess much of the skills needed to be a valuable asset to your company.  First of all, have you been to a second grade classroom recently?  Those kids need to be walked though everything.  Sometimes they pee their pants and you have to deal with that while also explaining fractions. 

If hired, I would provide your office with snark, intellect and good old-fashioned gusto.  If you're a creepy boob-leering boss, I'm your (34C) gal.  I'm at the point where mild sexual harassment is fine, just give me dental insurance-my wisdom teeth are coming in.  

I’ve included my resume as an attachment.  Please note the above average vocabulary and professional format.  I mean it.  It took me a really long time.  If you need any more information, such as references, writing samples, childhood awards, middle school superlatives (tallest in the 7^th grade!), blood type, my first born child, don’t hesitate to call me at: 

PHONE NUMBER!!!! 

[If I can find a way to make this light up and beep like a car alarm that would be a plus]

Call me any time, potential employer.  It’s not like I’m doing anything.

Sincerely,

Kate 

I would then include this picture to show I mean business: