If his status ain't hood...

When it comes to dating and men in general, it seems that most people have their types. Some – the tall dark and handsome. Others – the blonde haired, blue eyed jock.

As for me?

It turns out I like thugs.

But not just hip hop loving men, or those dreadfully pansied homothugs that traipse up and down Christopher Street by the PATH train at 3 in the morning. No no. I’m talking hard ass thugs. Think Tupac and up the ante a notch or two. I’m interested in someone that could beat the shit out of me if I looked at him the wrong way and make it look like an accident. If you’ve been convicted of a felony I’m pretty sure we’re compatible and the more teardrops on your face the better. Because what’s sexier than danger? …And by danger I mean dating someone that may or may not have committed manslaughter in the last ten years.

How I long for the days when I can iron my boo’s dew rag while he’s passed out on the couch. How I yearn to polish his grill in a boiling pot of water and baking soda. How I crave… think of another blatantly racist and offensive stereotype and you’re not far off. That. Whatever you think that is, I crave that.

Now, I'm well aware that there could be some complications with this. But I promise, I've thought this through.

1) A lot of thugs, not all, but a lot are incredibly homophobic. Now to most, this would seem like a deal breaker - but to me it’s just another obstacle on our way to holy matrimony: who doesn’t fall for a game of hard-to-get? When 50 cent raps:

“look him hes a faggot kick him kick his fuckin ass”

one could see an example of bigotry and hatred – but, honestly, I just see a challenge. A challenge I’m willing to take on- with gusto!

2) Would I fit in with my new husband's friends? Would they think a Banana Republic wearing Jew would have any sort of street cred?

This is also not a problem. If my semester spent in Harlem teaching a crew of 12-year-old girls how to double-dutch taught me anything, it’s how to bullshit that you know what you’re talking about in regards to Hip Hop when you absolutely don’t. The first step is to immediately shit-talk Mos Def – if only for the sole reason that every other white person in America claims to like him. This will at least set you apart and make people curious towards your uneducated point of view. If you need to go further to prove yourself, name-drop KRS-ONE or Zulu Nation. These references are neither cliché, obvious, nor outdated and you need not know anything about them to make them land. These two simple steps are sure fire ways to land you street cred at any block party, church raffle, or baby mama’s niece’s baptism.

The good news in all of this is that I’ve already prepped my parents about my future husband. I admit, they seemed a little hesitant at first, but really opened up to the idea marvelously after I promised to give them an hour heads up before I brought my man home- enough to give them ample time to hide the valuables.

Because it’s worth it. As Destiny’s Child sang, I do need a soldier, but I’m not exactly sure when he’ll sail on into my life. But until then, I’ll be here, color coordinating my sweaters and baking shortbread cookies, just waiting, waiting, for my boo-to-be.

-Max