Or
That Top Really DOES Make You Look Fat
As a gay man, I have a lot of straight girl friends. And
while society nowadays makes that seem completely natural, it’s sort of like
when the
turtle and the hippo become friends at your local zoo. Sure, there’s
a lot of it on YouTube, but it’s still a weird pairing when you actually think
about it. Gay men are pretty much the farthest removed from straight chicks
considering we have absolutely no relationship with the female psyche, and
straight chicks definitely don’t know what it’s like to be a man - if they did,
women of the world would have staged a jealous riot decades ago (hint: it’s
awesome.) And, sure, I guess we both share a common interest in men, but that’s
sort of like when your mother used to set you up on play dates with the neighbor’s son
because he was also developmentally delayed. A common bond, yes, but how far
can that really stretch?
Despite this, the straight chick/gay guy relationship is a
pretty standard fixture in modern times. And while I don’t see it as a novelty anymore, it blows my mind that straight chicks still regard
their gay best friends in a manner similar to how Roman citizens must have
regarded the oracles. No matter how little or how well I know a straight chick,
at some point in our relationship she’s going to ask me a question that is way,
way beyond me and assume that I have the answers. And not because I’m smart, but
because I’m her gay best friend.
I can’t pretend like I don’t know where this comes from. Our
culture is saturated with the idea of the “omniscient gay best friend,” fueled
by the fact that smarmy gay men have been lying to straight chicks for centuries-
pretending like we know the answers to their problems, pretending we know
how to help them. Even today, people like Nate Berkus and Clinton Kelly make
their fortunes off of force-feeding women the Kool-Aid. But the discerning eye
can easily tell you that this is a load of bull. We’re supposed to believe that
gay men know how to help women?! Please, how could we do that? We don’t know
the first thing about you! At least straight dudes are trying to figure you out
to get you into bed with them, ask them for advice!
So I've decided, here and now, that I'm not going to sell this snake oil anymore to all you ladies. And maybe I'll spoil it for the rest of the money grubbing liars out there, but I think it's time for the truth. Homosexuals
of the world, the jig is up. I give you:
Things that gays cannot help you with: